As I woke up each morning, complete fatigue took hold of all my limbs and it seemed as if they will stop operating the next moment. As I was in a framework, I knew that I had to rise up from my bed and did as was expected from me with exhaustion, and on other days I stayed on my bed as a stone or carried myself to the chair in my room, there remaining motionless for a few hours. My entrails began twisting and shrinking in hunger, but I remained in my place.
After the representatives of conventional medicine proved their weakness, I searched every corner of the web for a last resort in the form of unconventional methods. In my searches I turned to the live food and experimented with eating solely fruit till noon. Despite my shaky belief, for the first time in years I experienced a relief in my feelings; a spark of lucidity, a clear thinking, traces of feelings and an experience of humanness. It was a first light that faded out each day when I succumbed to another food. All I wished for was to strengthen this weak light and to lengthen its hours, and so I started to reduce my food, to divide it into weighted portions and to remove one from the other as much as possible. It was not long that my already miserable body lost several kilograms, and all the time I wandered between the enjoyment of my sudden lucidity and hunger that took hold of all my members. Each piece of food that entered my mouth evoked in me the anxiety that the threatening curtain will come down again; sometimes I lay in my bed, at the beginning of the day of at its end, and my limbs craved for food. The resources of my body soon dwindled; deep pallor appeared in my face and constant cold was my lot. It was another method, which is not to be detailed here, that restored my strength.
Now, the current state of all things is what is left. During the month of July and until today I experimented with the method of sungazing, in which a person gazes at the sunrise in its first hour, aiming to increase the activity of the brain areas responsible for the sleep-wake cycle, physical energy, emotional balance and more. This might be a small turning point in my route, as now I am closer to others' humanity than I have ever been before. The morning hours are for me the hours of grace, when gentle animation is to be found in the drowsy corners of my mind; thought fly nimbly by, without any difficulty; a measure of strength is felt in my body; and the touch of a piano arouses a feeling that had been neglected in past days. All of a sudden, it seems as if the thousands of stimulations surrounding a person from the very existence of his life are absorbed in my mind without any effort, and all that is left for me is to organize them according to my will.
Nevertheless, the relief passes. As soon a piece of food enters my mouth a deep mist finds place in my skull, my limbs collapse under the weight of fatigue and my body, by its nature, burdens me like a weight. My breathing is short, up to suffocating, my heart is heavy and in the reality surrounding me – that is experienced as a delusion made out of a continuity of incomprehensible pictures, as if arriving to my eyes from afar – my mind is an empty box and the voices of those surrounding me seem as if being strange background noises, and they pass through me and are not heard. A sense of entrapment arises between the borders of my body, which close me in, and it wishes to fall to the ground without movement, far from the eyes of the world. It seems as if stones pass in its system.
I climb the stairs to my house and quickly collapse on the chair in my room, there I only have to stick my eyes at screens and wait for the dispersion of the fog. All my days are an endless struggle to preserve all remnants of energy, feeling and lucidity whose end is an overwhelming defeat.
My last hope depends on an experimental procedure named dTMS (deep transcranial magnetic stimulation), in which a gentle magnetic field is activated around a person's head in order to stimulate the electric activity of the brain.
A long time has passed since my flesh rose above its meager existence and in it existed even a shard of the humanness which most persons, be they wherever thay may be, attain. My heart had died many ages ago. It is no rare occurrence for my chest to swell and to shrink slowly with a silent creaking of hinges, the screen of my eyes glazes while the fragments of my consciousness hover towards an unknown dimension and my soul - departs.