As I woke up
each morning, complete fatigue took hold of all my limbs and it seemed as if
they will stop operating the next moment. As I was in a framework, I knew that
I had to rise up from my bed and did as was expected from me with exhaustion,
and on other days I stayed on my bed as a stone or carried myself to the chair
in my room, there remaining motionless for a few hours. My entrails began twisting
and shrinking in hunger, but I remained in my place.
After the
representatives of conventional medicine proved their weakness, I searched
every corner of the web for a last resort in the form of unconventional
methods. In my searches I turned to the live food and experimented with eating solely
fruit till noon. Despite my shaky belief, for the first time in years I experienced
a relief in my feelings; a spark of lucidity, a clear thinking, traces of
feelings and an experience of humanness. It was a first light that faded out
each day when I succumbed to another food. All I wished for was to strengthen
this weak light and to lengthen its hours, and so I started to reduce my food,
to divide it into weighted portions and to remove one from the other as much as
possible. It was not long that my already miserable body lost several kilograms,
and all the time I wandered between the enjoyment of my sudden lucidity and
hunger that took hold of all my members. Each piece of food that entered my
mouth evoked in me the anxiety that the threatening curtain will come down
again; sometimes I lay in my bed, at the beginning of the day of at its end, and
my limbs craved for food. The resources of my body soon dwindled; deep pallor
appeared in my face and constant cold was my lot. It was another method, which
is not to be detailed here, that restored my strength.
Now, the
current state of all things is what is left. During the month of July and until
today I experimented with the method of sungazing, in which a person gazes at
the sunrise in its first hour, aiming to increase the activity of the brain areas
responsible for the sleep-wake cycle, physical energy, emotional balance and
more. This might be a small turning point in my route, as now I am closer to
others' humanity than I have ever been before. The morning hours are for me the
hours of grace, when gentle animation is to be found in the drowsy corners of
my mind; thought fly nimbly by, without any difficulty; a measure of strength
is felt in my body; and the touch of a piano arouses a feeling that had been
neglected in past days. All of a sudden, it seems as if the thousands of stimulations
surrounding a person from the very existence of his life are absorbed in my
mind without any effort, and all that is left for me is to organize them
according to my will.
Nevertheless,
the relief passes. As soon a piece of food enters my mouth a deep mist finds
place in my skull, my limbs collapse under the weight of fatigue and my body, by
its nature, burdens me like a weight. My breathing is short, up to suffocating,
my heart is heavy and in the reality surrounding me – that is experienced as a delusion
made out of a continuity of incomprehensible pictures, as if arriving to my
eyes from afar – my mind is an empty box and the voices of those surrounding me
seem as if being strange background noises, and they pass through me and are
not heard. A sense of entrapment arises between the borders of my body, which
close me in, and it wishes to fall to the ground without movement, far from the
eyes of the world. It seems as if stones pass in its system.
I climb the
stairs to my house and quickly collapse on the chair in my room, there I only
have to stick my eyes at screens and wait for the dispersion of the fog. All my
days are an endless struggle to preserve all remnants of energy, feeling and lucidity
whose end is an overwhelming defeat.
My last hope
depends on an experimental procedure named dTMS (deep transcranial magnetic
stimulation), in which a gentle magnetic field is activated around a person's
head in order to stimulate the electric activity of the brain.
*
A long time
has passed since my flesh rose above its meager existence and in it existed
even a shard of the humanness which most persons, be they wherever thay may be, attain. My heart had died many ages ago. It is no rare
occurrence for my chest to swell and to shrink slowly with a silent creaking of
hinges, the screen of my eyes glazes while the fragments of my consciousness hover
towards an unknown dimension and my soul - departs.
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